What Might Have Been
by Earwax
Summary: Xander reflects on Cordelia's death.


**Author's Note:** Always had a soft spot for Xander/Cordy. Don't know why, but I always thought they were great together. I wish they'd never broken up. Anyway, fic set some time after AtS episode 'Your Welcome'.

**What Might Have Been**

**(A Buffy Fic)**

It was early morning when Xander got the call. He had just poured himself a bowl of cereal and, despite desperately wanting to eat his Cheerios, he answered the phone on the second ring. He figured it could have been important. Later on, he had wished that he'd just let the machine pick it up. But that was later, and at that moment he thought nothing of a simple phone call.

"Hi, Xander?"

Xander's heart leapt at the sound of Buffy's voice. He hadn't spoken to her in over a month. It was good to hear from her again. "Hi, Buffy."

"We have to talk."

No good conversation ever came out the words "we have to talk." Buffy had probably decided that he was the wrong man for the African Slayer recruiting and she was "letting him go." Story of his life.

"What's wrong?" he asked causally. "Is everything okay in Italy?"

Buffy hesitated. "Everything's find here, it's the home continent that's the problem."

Xander relaxed slightly. Good, Buffy wasn't firing him. "You mean at the Cleveland Hellmouth? I know Faith's a little wild, but I'm sure she can handle it - "

"It's not Faith," Buffy interrupted softly. "It's Cordelia."

Xander fought a sudden, irrational impulse to hang up the phone. "Cor - Cordelia?" he choked. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's, she's dead, Xander."

Xander felt as though someone had just punched him in the stomach. How could Cordelia be dead? People like Cordelia didn't just die. Then again, he had thought the same thing about Anya. "Wh - what happened?"

"The coma finally killed her. She died last night."

Xander stood there with his mouth open. He moved his lips wordlessly a few times before finally choking out the much desired question. "She was is a coma?"

"For about six months. You didn't know?"

Xander hung up the phone without answering her. He suddenly felt violently ill. His stomach churned as he ran into the nearby bathroom. He threw up, something that he had not done since Anya's death. After he had emptied his stomach's contents, Xander took several deep breaths. They did nothing to calm him down.

He should not be feeling like this. He hadn't seen Cordelia since high school. He hadn't spoken to her, he hadn't written to her, hell, he had barely thought about her. He didn't care about Cordelia, not anymore. But, if that was true, then why did it hurt so Goddamn much? He hadn't felt this lousy since Anya had died in Sunnydale. And Anya had been - Xander had almost married her!

How could losing Cordy even begin to compare with losing Anya? Anya was Anya. Their relationship had started out as meaningless sex, but it grew into something more. Something like friendship, something like love. Cordelia was just a high school girlfriend. They had broken up. They had moved on. They became separate people with separate lives. Perfect strangers.

Xander leaned up against the filthy bathroom floor and closed his eye. How could he have not known that she was in a coma? A big thing like that should have been worth knowing. Why hadn't anyone told him? How come he didn't ask? He could have visited her. Not just coma Cordy, but alive, awake, happy Cordy. Why hadn't he ever gone to L.A. to say hello? It was not as if L.A. was on the other side of the world. Well, now it was, but not before. Xander could have made an effort to keep in touch with her after she had moved.

Maybe if he hadn't tried so hard to forget Cordy, things could have been different. He might have loved her. Given the chance, he might have loved Cordelia as much as he had loved Anya. But Xander had never given her that chance. He had wasted his time with Cordy pining over Buffy and Willow. He hadn't realized what he had right in front of him: Cordelia Chase, Queen C, the Bitch of Sunnydale High. She really had been remarkable. Both of them had been.

Anya and Cordelia had been a lot alike. They had both spoken their minds. They had both had hearts of gold that they'd tried so desperately to hide. They couldn't stop feeling. They couldn't turn off their emotions no matter how hard they tried. It was kind of their collective weakness. And now they were both dead. Nothing could bring them back.

If only he'd had more time! Given a few more years, Xander might have grown up enough to marry Anya. They could have had a life together. Maybe. And Cordelia, if she hadn't caught him doing the "illicit smoochies" with Willow they could have stayed a couple. They could have had some type of a future together. Not marriage, obviously, but they could have at least stayed friends. If he hadn't cheated on her, maybe Cordelia would have stayed in Sunnydale. She wouldn't have gone to L.A. to die. Maybe she wouldn't have died like the rest.

Maybe. What a horrible word. He was beginning to hate that word. Why was he spending so much time dwelling on the past? He was turning into Dead Boy.

Sitting in a small room that smelled of puke, Xander wondered if he really could have loved Cordelia. Maybe he already did. He just hadn't known until he had heard Buffy's voice on the phone. Could Cordelia have loved him? She had looked so hurt when she had found him and Willow together. It had been one of the only times he had ever seen her in raw pain. Those haunting, regretful brown eyes... _She could have loved me_, Xander decided. Of course, he'd never know for sure. Dead people usually didn't talk back.

He wiped his tears away. It shouldn't hurt this much, but it did. Xander had a feeling that it was going to hurt for a very long time.


End file.
